


Lost at What-If

by Coby_Thinks



Series: L.A.W. AU [8]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: :/, Angst in general actually, Cuz I started this AU ages ago, Deceit is Ethan, ENJOY IT, I know, Logan Angst, Logangst, M/M, Multi, Unsympathetic Patton, i don't care, just to be clear, like almost a year, my timeline sucks, sorry folks, take this angst fest, they're all just sad, this is before Ethan and Remy got together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:53:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24206242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coby_Thinks/pseuds/Coby_Thinks
Summary: I promised an angsty delve into Logan's brain... and by golly I do believe this is it! Three chapters, and it took me ages to write. Lmao, sorry about that.Summary:Logan was sinking.He was sinking into his thoughts, into his work, and into a headspace he’d never really experienced before. He still didn’t express emotion like he wanted to be able to, as every time he tried he ended up wanting to sob. But he felt it. At random moments, sparks of anger or joy or intense sadness would strike him and he had no idea what to do.So he ignored it.WARNINGS: Angst, self-deprecation, feeling worthless, Unsympathetic Patton, past emotional abuse, manipulation, suicidal ideation, lots and lots of angst (what do you expect from me?), food mentions
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Logic | Logan/Deceit Sanders, DLAP
Series: L.A.W. AU [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1504187
Comments: 24
Kudos: 111





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Heyyyy I'm back with more L.A.W. AU! Are you glad? Scared? Excited? You should be! But mostly scared, I think. 0.0
> 
> WARNINGS: depression, self-deprecation, feeling worthless, food mentions, Angst
> 
> Enjoy it, my little chaos demons.

Logan wasn’t one to dwell on past mistakes. Not anymore. He actually tried his hardest to ignore the past entirely, if it was possible. Obviously, with some things, such as dealing with Roman’s trauma, personal growth, and memories he was fond of, he made an exception.

Despite that, Logan wasn’t a fan of nostalgia. Because despite the numerous wonderful memories he had, full of warmth and happiness and love, there was darkness mixed into each of them. There was always something. The nagging feeling. The realization that he could have noticed, could have spoken up, could have done something. It made remembering things very… unpleasant.

He supposed it might just be a part of his general mental state - for while he was never incredibly unhappy, he had a very hard time being overly joyful or calm either. It was just best, he’d found, to stay in the neutral as much as possible.

Of course, he would stray over the lines. Logan wasn’t a robot, after all. He got angry, and he got sad and disappointed and worried. And sometimes - though it was rare - he found himself genuinely at peace. Those moments always came with a price, however.

This was one of those times. 

It was quiet, peaceful, the way most of these moments were, in the middle of the night. Logan was the only one awake, as usual, as he could never quite drift off when facing such strong emotions.

Ethan was curled up against his chest, and Virgil was a few inches away on his back, one arm resting across his eyes as he snored softly. Logan smiled fondly, the peace and happiness becoming almost too much to bear.

And with it, as always, came the crippling guilt and fear that Logan could never explain. 

He wasn’t afraid of anything specific, really. There was no threat looming above him and there really never had been. But still, the fact that now of all times was when he could actually feel happy, it drove a spike of uneasiness through his heart.

If he had to put a name to the fear or label it clearly, it would be something he knew he shouldn’t worry about. Disappointment. Letting one of his loved ones down, or letting them be hurt - again - and not being able to do anything about it. The fear of not being enough for them.

Which realistically, Logan knew was a ridiculous thing to fear.

So, he pushed the worry away and focused on the peace he did feel. The joy and love he felt for Virgil and Ethan beside him, and Roman in the next room over. The pride he felt for how far they’d come, how much they’d all grown. 

But it was always there. That feeling that, as his family had grown and improved, Logan had remained stagnant in his ways. The feeling that he hadn’t progressed at all, and that he never would again. The feeling that he was always going to be stuck in the neutral world he’d forced himself to live in for so long.

“Lo?” Ethan grunted, rolling over slightly and squinting at him. “Wh’time’s it? Why’re you still up?”

“Apologies.” Logan pressed a kiss to Ethan’s forehead and Ethan smiled sleepily. “Just lost in thought. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Mm.” Ethan hugged him, eyes sliding shut again. “Sleep.”

“Alright.” Logan smiled sadly again, actual tears springing to his eyes.

What had he ever done to deserve any of them? Logically, realistically, Logan knew that wasn’t how it worked. That he did deserve all of this, that he’d helped his boyfriends - somehow - to become better. But he still felt as if he wasn’t enough for them. Logan really hated feeling things, at a time like this.

“Sleep,” Ethan mumbled again, poking Logan gently. “I can hear ya thinkin’... keeping me up.”

“Sorry,” Logan said again, softer as he wrapped one arm around Ethan’s shoulders and closed his eyes, the other arm draping across him and finding Virgil’s hand on the mattress. He forced the feelings out, all of them back into the neutral gray area that was most comfortable, and closed his eyes.

He didn’t need to worry about the past anymore. There was nothing he could do to change it, so he really didn’t need to think about it at all.

Doing that had worked out so far for him, at least.

* * *

“Logan.” Virgil laughed lightly from behind, but Logan didn’t look up from the computer. “You need to take a break, Lo. It’s fine. Max just checked all the servers yesterday.”

“I know,” Logan sighed, rubbing his eyes. “I’m just double-checking. It’ll only take a few minutes.”

“You’ve been here for ages.” Virgil sighed. Logan finally glanced over to where Virgil was leaning on the doorway of his office, arms folded and eyebrows raised. “It’s almost seven already.”

“It is?” Logan looked at his watch and winced guiltily. Oops. “oh, apologies. I lost track of the time.” 

“I figured.” Virgil chuckled, walking over and leaning on the desk. “You alright? You’ve been staying late every single night for like… two weeks now. What are you even doing? Nothing’s gone wrong in ages.”

“I’m just…” Logan sighed, shrugging. “I want to catch any problems before they occur, Virgil.”

“Oh no you don’t.” Virgil scowled, pulling Logan around to face him. Logan sighed. “I know you, Logan. You do this to yourself whenever you’re worried about something or you feel like shit. You force yourself to work more than ever, even though that doesn’t help in the slightest.” 

Logan winced, he’d almost forgotten how well Virgil knew him.

“What’s going on?” Virgil asked, voice softer. “You can talk to me, Lo.”

“I know.” Logan sighed, rubbing his eyes tiredly. “Apologies, Virgil.” He left it at that, standing and grabbing his bag. Virgil obviously wanted to ask more, but Logan just took his hand as they walked out, and he didn’t.

“Just take care of yourself,” Virgil said softly, squeezing Logan’s hand. “I love you.”

“I love you as well, funnily enough.” Logan offered a tired smile and Virgil laughed.

“Yeah, yeah, you’re hilarious. Now c’mon, Ethan was making dinner when I left and if we aren’t back soon they’ll eat without us.”

“It won’t take that long to get home.” Logan pointed out, amused.

Virgil shrugged as they got into his truck, though Logan had to pause to move the seat back as it appeared Roman had ridden in the passenger seat recently. Virgil didn’t say anything for a few minutes, and if Logan didn’t know him he’d think the previous conversation was forgotten. But Logan did know him, so it was no surprise when Virgil spoke up.

“Maybe we should take a break from work. A vacation, or something,” he said slowly. “Everything’s been going smoothly for a while now, and Max can handle anything that happens for a day or two if anything goes wrong.”

“That’s not necessary.” Logan shook his head. “I’m really, alright, dearest. There’s no-”

“Don’t lie to me.” Virgil scowled playfully, looking over only to actually frown when he saw Logan’s face. “Logan, you know I can tell when you’re not okay. I’ve been able to tell when you’re not okay since we got together. It’s been, what, nine years? I know you.”

“It has been a long time.” Logan smiled, mentally counting in his head. He was nearly twenty-eight now - and Virgil was turning thirty in a few months. They’d been with Roman for five years, and Ethan for almost two now. 

“So please talk to me.” Virgil finished as they pulled up in front of the house. “I know things… I know we’ve kinda broken our rule about talking about everything. A few times, with Patton, and then the stuff a year ago, but we can still talk to each other.”

Patton. Oh, it had been a while since Patton was mentioned in conversation. Mostly because Ethan hadn’t known him very well, and Roman could only talk about him in certain situations without getting too upset. Logan hadn’t even made the connection that he and Virgil had stopped talking to each other about as much stuff when they started dating Patton - almost seven years ago. Why did Virgil notice, and bring it up now? It wasn’t as if Patton was connected to any of this.

That, and Logan wasn’t sure if he’d gotten as comfortable talking about his mental health as he had been in the first few years of his and Virgil’s relationship. He’d been focused a lot on helping Roman and then Ethan - but he hadn’t been completely closed off. He’d talked about some stuff.

He’d talked about the stuff he understood, at least. He didn’t understand his recent troubles in the slightest.

“Logan?”

“Ah, apologies.” Logan shook his head slightly. “Just lost in thought.”

“What about?” he should have seen that question coming a mile away.

“Nothing of importance.” Logan sighed, opening his door. “Let’s go join our loves for dinner, shall we?”

Virgil chuckled.

“Waxing a little poetic there, Lo.” he teased. “Roman’s rubbing off on you.”

“Perhaps.” Logan kissed Virgil gently when they reached the porch. “That’s not a bad thing, I assume?”

“Of course not.” Virgil rolled his eyes and opened the door, kicking his shoes off once they stepped inside.

“You’re back!” Roman cheered, sliding into view in his socks, nearly falling over. “Ethan’s making lasagna!”

“I’m trying, at least.” Ethan’s voice drawled from the kitchen. “You keep trying to dance with me.”

“Ah, you love me.” Roman waved a hand, then spun around and held out his arms, smiling brightly. “Hug from your favorite?”

“Always.” Logan laughed, smiling when Roman slammed into his chest, hugging tightly.

“I miss you when you’re gone!” he complained, “You’re cozier to hug than Ethan is.”

“I heard that,” Ethan called from the kitchen, obviously amused. “And I want a hug too, Logan. You've been gone all day!” Virgil gave him a pointed look, which Logan ignored as he hugged Roman and picked him up, earning a giggle from his ginger-haired boyfriend.

“Watch out, Ethan, we’re on the way!” He yelled grandly as Logan carried him into the kitchen. “Logan, throw me.”

“No.” Logan rolled his eyes, smiling as Ethan hugged him and Roman at the same time, snickering at them.

“Ah, you’re no fun.” Roman dropped to the ground, stretching. “Too bad you're stuck with me.”

“Yeah, too bad,” Virgil said sarcastically, ruffling Roman’s hair. Roman pouted. “Not like we’re hopelessly in love or anything.” 

Logan smiled fondly, leaning on the counter as the two started to bicker playfully. Ethan rolled his eyes and went back to the cupboard, where he’d been retrieving plates when they arrived.

“How was work?” Ethan asked, drawing Logan’s attention to him.

“Oh, it was the same as always, I suppose.” Logan shrugged. “How about you? I seem to recall an important… event was supposed to occur today.” he knew Ethan had told him what was going to happen, but he couldn't remember it. That was frustrating, as Logan believed he had a very good memory.

“Oh, yeah!” Ethan beamed. “The folks from the Everglades got back to us about a breeding program - which is something I’ve wanted to do since starting school, and it looks like if everything works out we’re going to be able to stabilize some reptile populations. In Florida, at least. Obviously I’d love to work with reptiles from all over the place, but we still have time.”

“Well, that’s certainly exciting.” Logan always loved to see Ethan’s smile when he discussed reptiles. He’d heard of doing what you love, and Ethan seemed to personify that perfectly. He truly did love his job. 

Not that Logan didn’t love his job. He was very proud of how far he and Virgil had managed to bring it - and they were doing quite well especially recently. Logan shook the confusing string of thoughts away, taking the plates from Ethan and bringing them to the table.

“...you seem out of it today,” Ethan said, trailing after him as the banter turned into Roman singing a ballad to Virgil, who just looked tired. “What’s up?”

“Hm?” Logan shook his head. “Oh, I’m quite alright. Just thinking. I do that, you know.”

“Oh, right.” Ethan rolled his eyes. “I totally forgot that my smartest boyfriend could think. Come on, Lo. What’s going on with you? It was like you were in another world.”

First Virgil and now Ethan? Was Logan really so transparent that they could tell how frustrated and confused he was with himself? And since when did Logan not tell them when he was bothered by something?

Since he had no idea what was bothering him, supposedly.

Because he really didn’t know why he felt so out of place, everything was the same as it always had been. Yet… Logan felt unlike himself. Or, he felt too much like himself. Or he didn’t feel like anything at all. How strange.

“See, that’s what I mean!” Ethan laughed lightly, snapping his fingers in front of Logan’s nose. “You need more sleep.”

“I suppose you’re right.” Logan smiled sheepishly. “Apologies, it’s been a long day.”

“I thought it was the same as always.” Ethan prodded.

“Well, it was the same 24 hours,” Logan smirked. “So, really, every day is long. And every day is short. And every day is the same as the one before.”

“Holy shit.” Ethan’s eyes widened. “You’re right. Oh, man, you’re gonna give me a crisis.”

“Though now that I’m thinking about it,” Logan continued, grinning at Ethan’s response. “Our construct of time leaves an error margin. This margin of a few second difference a day comes together for an extra twenty-four hours every four years, and that’s leap day.”

“Wh- that’s what leap day is?” Ethan held up his hands, blinking rapidly. “Logan, you’re melting my brain.”

“What are you two doing?” Virgil asked, Roman finally having finished his song. 

“I’m having a crisis because nothing is real.” Ethan declared. “It’s Logan’s fault.”

“You’re welcome.” Logan smiled, walking over to the oven when the timer beeped. He grabbed an oven mitt and took out the lasagna while Ethan muttered about constructs and society. 

“Yes! It’s done!” Roman pumped a fist in the air. “I’m starving!”

“We had cookies like an hour ago.” Ethan protested. Roman ignored him, sliding through the kitchen once again and grabbing forks from the drawers.

“You’re going to fall,” Logan warned. Roman scoffed, running a few steps and coasting into Virgil, who caught him before they both fell over.

“See? I’ve got a whole protection squad. I’ll be fine!” he declared, almost stabbing Virgil in the face with his handful of forks. “Oh, sorry Vee.”

“Just put them down, you chaos demon.” Virgil chuckled, stepping away obnoxiously.

“Okay, okay.” Roman sighed, then frowned at Ethan. “How long’ve you been standing today? You said you’d sit when the lasagna went in the oven!”

“But then you wanted to dance.” Ethan shrugged sheepishly and Roman pulled out a chair, gesturing to it dramatically.

“We can get the rest ready.” Logan agreed, moving a potholder onto the table before transferring the still hot lasagna over. Soon enough they were eating, and Logan found himself listening idly to their chattering, all too aware of the strange feeling he’d had for months now.

The feeling that he was a step back from reality.

The feeling that he was sinking.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter twooooo. The bois make some changes - healthy? Perhaps. You shall see
> 
> Warnings: Depression, food mentions, self-deprecation, self-hatred, impulse decisions, just a lot of angst. I dunno, ok? I'm an angst writer. :/
> 
> Enjoy this one!

Logan was sinking.

He was sinking into his thoughts, into his work, and into a headspace he’d never really experienced before. He still didn’t express emotion like he wanted to be able to, as every time he tried he ended up wanting to sob. But he felt it. At random moments, sparks of anger or joy or intense sadness would strike him and he had no idea what to do. 

So he ignored it.

He tried to remember how he usually acted, so he could make it seem like he was perfectly fine. But he still found himself sinking into his thoughts, completely lost to the world for minutes at a time. That had never happened before, and it was starting to get annoying.

Logan knew he must be experiencing some kind of derealization or dissociation, but he couldn't imagine why. He had no mental illness to be the cause of it, and there was no current circumstances behind it either. Everything was the way it had always been, and Logan had always been perfectly fine before this.

So why the hell didn’t he want to get out of bed?

It was a Saturday, but he usually tried to get up at the same time every day no matter what. So why, Logan wondered to himself, was he still lying here? Ethan and Virgil had already left to shower and eat - and Ethan worked on Saturdays. What time was it? Why was Logan  _ still  _ in bed?

“Logan?”

Logan sat up, though it felt like an impossible task, and met Roman’s worried gaze from where he stood in the doorway.

“Are you sick, my love?” Roman gasped dramatically. “Do you need me to nurse you back to health? I will journey to the ends of the earth to find any antidote, I will-”

“I’m alright.” Logan laughed softly, getting to his feet. It was easier to move now that he’d already sat up, but he still just wanted to collapse into the bed and never move again.

Whoa, where did that come from? Of course, he wanted to move. He had work on Monday, and he had things to do this weekend.

“Are you sure?” Roman frowned. “You don’t usually sleep in.”

“I’ve just been more tired than usual lately.” Logan shrugged, already wishing he hadn’t mentioned it. He just needed some coffee, and he’d be awake and get things done. That was all.

“If you say so, specs.” Roman stepped out, giving Logan privacy to change out of his pajamas. Logan resisted the urge to fall back into bed, joining his boyfriends in the kitchen a few minutes later.

“Oh, he lives!” Ethan said, not looking up from his phone. Logan glanced at the clock unhappily. Ethan would be leaving in five or so minutes - and while he’d be back that night, Logan still liked to spend time with him in the mornings. Oh, well, it was his fault for sleeping in.

“I only slept for an extra hour or so,” he said, walking to the coffee pot. While the statement was true, he knew it wasn’t good to get into the habit of sleeping in. He’d have to discipline himself more in the future.

“I told you, you need to take a break,” Virgil said, drawing Logan’s gaze to him. “You can’t keep overworking yourself, Lo.”

“I’m not overworked.” Logan rolled his eyes. “I simply didn’t sleep well. I told you, Virgil, I’m fine.” 

Once again, as he found himself doing often, Logan wondered if that was the truth. Was he fine? He must be - he felt no different than always. Alright, maybe he felt a little different than always. He just couldn't figure out what the difference was, and until he did, there was no point in bringing it up. Why give a problem with no solution? Why trouble them with something he himself didn’t understand? It would only cause more problems.

“I’ll see you guys at six!” Ethan said, snapping Logan out of his thoughts. He’d been on autopilot, apparently, as he already had a mug of coffee in his hands.

“Say hi to the snakes for me!” Roman said, blowing a kiss before bowing dramatically. Logan smiled, taking a sip of his coffee as Ethan departed. 

“Ugh, we should just watch movies all day.” Virgil sighed, stretching. “Unless of course, you guys have secret plans?”

“Not today, I’m afraid.” Roman sighed, gazing longingly out the window. “Though I sometimes wish I had any plans to make secret.”

“You gotta take your romantic poetic rating down like five notches.” Virgil laughed. “And you can make plans and hide them from us if you want to, you know.”

“But then you wouldn’t know about them.” Roman rolled his eyes. “So… movie day? Logan! Movie day!”

“Hm?” Logan blinked a few times. He’d had things he wanted to do today, hadn’t he? He was sure he did. Well, if they were truly important he was sure he’d remember then. “Oh, yes, I suppose that would be fine.” he set his coffee down, rubbing his forehead. “I don’t have much to do today, either.”

“Movie day!” Roman gave Virgil a high-five and sashayed casually - if one could sashe casually - over to the TV stand, where he started looking through movies while chattering about them. 

Logan usually paid more attention to Roman when he was excited, but everything seemed so… off today. Like he was watching through a wall of bubbles or frosted glass. It was infuriating.

“Logan.” Virgil walked over, gently taking his hand. “I’m serious, you need to talk to me. Or… someone. What’s up?”

“I’m fine,” Logan said, as usual, and forced a smile onto his face. Virgil stared back doubtfully. “I…” 

What was he supposed to say? Virgil could obviously tell something was wrong. And it wouldn’t be long before Ethan and Roman grew much too aware of it as well. He just had to try and… what? Try and what?

“You were right.” he finally settled on. “Taking a break from work will be nice. Why don’t we join Roman before he watches all of Disney without us?”

“Yeah, okay,” Virgil smirked, though he still seemed uneasy. Although Logan figured, Virgil was always uneasy about one thing or another. He just hated being the thing that Virgil was uneasy about.

“First up is Aladdin!” Roman declared, placing the DVD case on the coffee table. “Then Big Hero 6, then The Black Cauldron.”

“Sounds good.” Virgil flopped onto the couch, letting an arm dangle over the side. Logan chuckled slightly, finding a place on the other couch where Roman joined him after putting in the movie. At least he didn’t have to do anything too important today. He could just relax and get his emotions to calm down.

That is if he could figure out what they were doing in the first place.

* * *

“Heyy Logan,” Ethan leaned over the back of Logan’s chair, smiling widely. 

Logan forced a smile, looking over at him. His emotions were anything but figured out. In fact, he wasn’t sure if he felt anything at all. It was all just… a mess. Every time he tried to make a solid plan for the day, or a plan for the next hour even, he felt completely overwhelmed and wanted to lay on the couch or his bed for the rest of the week. So, he’d resorted to staring blankly at the computer, pretending to budget, while making decisions only when he had to. It was the easiest way to deal with this until he could figure himself out.

“I was wondering if you’d drive me to a tattoo parlor,” Ethan tilted his head and flushed slightly. “I wanna get snakebites.”

“Oh.” Logan blinked a few times, processing what his boyfriend had just said to him. 

“Like, I can take the bus if you’re busy,” Ethan added quickly. “My appointment isn’t for an hour, but I uh…” the flush on Ethan’s unscarred flesh deepened and he looked away. “I’m actually pretty nervous about it.”

“Getting a piercing is perfectly safe,” Logan assured him. Ethan nodded, and a pinch of guilt made Logan wince. “However, I’m not busy this afternoon. I’d be happy to accompany you.”

“You sure?” Ethan asked though he seemed relieved. Logan nodded.

“Of course. Virgil wants me to take a break from work anyway,” he added, closing his computer. Ethan frowned.

“You were working? I thought you weren’t gonna work on weekends now!”

“I was just looking over the budget, dearest,” Logan promised, though he still felt guilty as he recalled that agreement. “And I won’t for the rest of the day if you like.”

“I just want you to feel better.” Ethan shrugged, leaning against the table. “You seem super stressed.”

“I’m alright,” Logan promised, getting to his feet. Ethan seemed doubtful but didn’t say anything else as they got ready and went to Logan's car. 

The first few minutes were silent before Ethan spoke again.

“...okay, something is definitely wrong.” he declared. Logan looked at him, frowning. “What’s going on? You just seem so out of it and… weird.”

“Ah, just lost in thought.” Logan forced another smile and adjusted his glasses. “Apologies, Ethan. I’ve been distracted lately.”

“...if you say so.” Ethan sighed, fiddling with his cane. “You can talk to me, though.”

Logan nodded, though he wasn’t sure why. He certainly didn’t plan on discussing his problems with anyone very soon. 

Ethan filled the silence by discussing the developments at the museum, which Logan greatly appreciated. He liked to hear about Ethan’s work, and he was not up to directing the conversation today. Really, he was never up to directing the conversation. 

Once at the tattoo parlor, Logan found himself making a more impulsive decision than he’d ever intended, drawing worried looks from Ethan but bringing some kind of relief and comfort to himself. 

“You’re not okay,” Ethan said softly, on the drive back home. 

Logan didn’t reply, just glancing at his reflection in the rearview mirror where he could see a new eyebrow piercing, shining silver against his skin.

“Logan, I’m serious,” Ethan said firmly. “What is going on with you? I… you never make decisions like that. I’ve been thinking about getting these for years, you can’t just… do that. It’s not like you.”

“I appreciate your concern, love,” Logan said softly. “But I am capable of making decisions.”

“I-I know.” Ethan grimaced. “But… I’m just worried about you…”

“There is no need,” Logan said, though he knew it was a lie. Strange. He felt… better. Even marginally, when feeling the difference and seeing the metal of the piercing. He’d changed that. He had made that decision. Whether or not he regretted it later, he’d made the decision. 

“There is a need!” Ethan finally sighed. “I care about you, Logan. And I’m worried about you because I care.”

“And I’m telling you I’m alright,” Logan said, swallowing back the sudden lump in his throat. “Please, Ethan, I really am alright.”

“Logan-”

“Please.” Logan hated the sudden emotion choking his voice, and the tears in his eyes. Ethan fell silent, staring at the dashboard until they got back to the house. Virgil’s truck was back in the driveway, he and Roman back from…

Where had they gone? Logan knew he had been told. He just… he couldn't remember anything very well at the moment. He’d figure it out.

“Okay.” Ethan nodded grudgingly, getting out of the car. “Let’s go see what Ro and Vee think about these, then. You’re like five times hotter now.”

“That makes no sense.” Logan frowned, reaching up to gently prod the metal. “It’s barely anything in comparison to what I usually look like, and-”

“Logan, how many times do I have to tell you, you’re super fucking hot.” Ethan laughed as they stepped inside. Roman gasped from his seat - upside down on the couch for some reason - and scrambled to his feet.

“Are we complimenting Logan? I’ve prepared for this day!”

“No-”

“My love, your eyes are like pools of wonderful sunshine, burning amber in the evening light.” Roman dramatically took his hand, “and your smile could vanish the evilest of villains who with one glance, would not be able to find a reason to be evil at all anymore.”

Logan froze slightly, mind racing as he tried to figure out how to respond. He was usually good at handling Roman’s dramatic declarations, but right now… he was just so tired. Not physically, not even mentally. He just didn’t want to have to handle feeling things, and Roman made him feel things. Good things, yeah, but they were all connected and the bad things were far more powerful than the good.

“Oh, god, you really did prepare.” Virgil laughed, walking in from the hallway only to stop and choke on his words slightly, looking from Ethan to Logan with wide eyes. Ethan chuckled mischievously.

“Not only that but your mind!” Roman cried, still distracted. “It astounds me every single- oh, you got a piercing! That’s so cool, I didn’t even know you wanted one!”

“Neither did I, till he made the first impulse decision of his life.” Ethan drawled, grinning over at Logan, only to frown in concern. Logan mentally cursed himself, wondering what he’d given away this time.

“I-I can… I can make impulse decisions.” he stammered, taking his hand away from Roman, who let it go sheepishly.

“Y-you guys needed to warn me!” Virgil complained, running a hand down his face. “I’m… I’m way too gay for this shit. Holy fuck…”

“I told ya, Logan,” Ethan said. “Five times hotter.”

“You’re not off the hook just because you make impulse decisions all the time!” Virgil pointed an accusing finger at Ethan. “I’m gay for you too, you know.”

“Oh yeah?” Ethan grinned. “Prove it.” 

Logan stepped back, leaning against the wall as he tried to push away the swell of confusing emotions inside him. He couldn't do this right now - he couldn't ever do this. He hated this. He hated that he had this weird problem.

“Want me to prove it?” Virgil asked. “Can I kiss you, you little twerp?”

“Sure can, edgelord.” 

“You are beautiful, Lo,” Roman said, joining him a few steps away from their boyfriends. “Hot, pretty, handsome, beautiful- fuck, are you crying?”

Logan reached up, desperately wishing he wasn’t, to feel tears rolling down his face. Ugh, great. He couldn't handle these types of emotions - why was this happening now? He didn’t usually get so emotional when Roman waxed poetic at him, but today… today it was a lot. And he wanted it to stop. Part of him wanted everything to stop.

“Lo, can I hug you?” Roman asked anxiously as Virgil and Ethan broke apart, realizing that Logan was crying. 

Logan despised the fact that he was crying, and part of him despised himself. Roman stood there with open arms, his green eyes filled with concern, and Logan didn’t feel as if he had the smallest right to accept Roman’s invitation. Not after hiding everything from everyone for so long. 

“Logan?”

“Not at the moment,” Logan whispered, moving to the hallway while avoiding their eyes. “I’m quite overwhelmed, I-” his voice cracked and he cursed himself, stepping into the bedroom without saying anything else, closing the door behind him. 

That fear returned, and Logan fell into the bed, mind spinning. That fear of disappointing anyone, especially the people he loved most. That fear that he’d already disappointed them, that he’d damaged himself beyond repair, and that there was nothing anyone could do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all..... why do I write shit like this? T-T my heart hurts and I Could have just written an AU where they're all happy and love themselves. Instead, I wrote this?????? Geez.
> 
> Love you all,
> 
> -Coby


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we are! This fic was shorter than the others lmao but I'll explain a bit why down at the AN after the chapter. <3
> 
> Warnings: self-deprecation, depression, discussion of suicidal thoughts/ideation, insecurity, food mention, etc.
> 
> Enjoy!

Logan fully expected one or more of them to come after him. Perhaps after a few minutes, letting him calm down. He just didn’t expect the door to open mere seconds after he’d lay down, and he didn’t even know who to expect it to be. He wasn’t sure what to think upon realizing, as he felt the mattress dip down in two places and heard a third person sit beside it, that it was all of them.

Dully, Logan realized that this was it. He couldn't not talk to them now. He couldn't lie and tell them it was work, or stress, or lack of sleep. It was all of those things, but it was so much more than that, as well. It always had been. And it had all caught up to him, and it was painfully obvious that Logan was anything but okay.

Nobody spoke for a long while, and Logan hated how worried he knew they were. It's not like he wanted to feel like this… but he could have said something earlier. He could have done something different to change this, but he hadn’t. He didn’t even have a reason to feel so upset. He was so stupid. He-

Logan opened his eyes and rolled onto his back, feeling sick at the thoughts that had been hiding in his mind for months now as he tried to ignore them.

“Virgil,” he said softly, staring at the ceiling. “Do you recall asking me… to tell you when I do not feel perfect?”

“Yeah.” 

“I’ve felt less than perfect for quite some time now…” Logan’s voice cracked and he closed his eyes miserably. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Oh, Lo…” Virgil gently took his hand, rubbing his thumb over Logan’s knuckles. “I know you have. Please tell us what’s wrong.”

That was the problem, wasn’t it? Logan had promised to always tell them when he was upset. But how was he supposed to explain something that he didn’t understand? There was no reason for him to feel like this - he didn’t even know how he felt.

“Logan,” Roman leaned his head against the bed from where he sat and sighed. “‘M sorry I overwhelmed you.”

“It was not your fault,” Logan said firmly, forcing his eyes open and sitting up. He avoided their gazes, guilt gnawing inside him. “I am simply…” this was going to sound so ridiculous. “More emotional than usual, lately.”

“You know you’re allowed to feel emotions.” Virgil chuckled, leaning on Logan’s shoulder. Logan frowned, glancing over at him. “What? I know you, Lo. I say it all the time - you repress stuff. You’re allowed to feel emotions, you’re not a robot.”

“I’m aware.” Logan rubbed his eyes. How was he supposed to explain this? “I simply…” this wasn’t simple at all. “I don’t understand why I feel what I feel.”

“Well, what do you feel?” Ethan asked from the foot of the bed. “Right now.”

“Oh.” Logan blinked, taking a careful breath. “I currently… I suppose you could call it fear. However irrational it may-”

“Fear, then,” Virgil smirked, meeting Logan’s eyes. “Care to elaborate?”

“Not particularly,” Logan mumbled. It was a stupid fear. How would he let them down? The company was thriving, Ethan’s leg was improving, Patton was still in prison- Logan shook the name from his head, though he knew the way he felt when thinking it was probably important.

“What can we do?” Ethan asked softly, tugging on his hair anxiously.

“I don’t know.” Logan buried his face in Virgil’s hair. “I… I don’t want to disappoint you. Or anyone. I have… I was going to talk to you once I’d figured out how I felt.”

“What’s the point in that?” Roman asked. “We want to help you, not listen to you talk about something you already did. That’s the point of talking it out.”

Oh. Logan didn’t respond, thinking that over. That made… more sense. So why hadn’t he realized that in the first place? Why had he been so worried about giving them a problem with no answer?

“You could never disappoint us,” Virgil said.

“I know.”

“Disappointment isn’t a bad thing,” Roman said slowly, standing and sitting next to Logan on the bed. “People get disappointed. Big deal. Right? I mean… no one is perfect.”

“Well, yes, but…” Logan frowned, struggling to find a reason that it was different for him. Because it was. It had to be, right? Why else would he be so afraid to disappoint them?

“But nothing.” Ethan nudged him gently. “Besides, how would you disappoint us? What big thing is going to happen for us to be disappointed about?”

“I don’t know,” Logan grimaced. “But I never know. I should be able to stop… I should be able to keep you all safe and happy and healthy. But I can’t, and-” 

“That’s not how life works, Lo,” Virgil said gently. “Even if it was, it’s not just your job.”

“I know.” Logan sighed in irritation. “I know it’s unrealistic and illogical to worry about this, alright? That’s why I didn’t tell you.”

“Lo…” Roman turned, one leg resting on the bed so he could face Logan better. “How long have you felt like this? It sounds… like you’ve thought about it for a long time.”

“How long?” Logan sighed, looking at Virgil before shrugging helplessly. “Forever?”

“Oh.” Roman scooted close again, gently taking Logan’s hand. 

“What’re the thoughts saying?” Virgil asked, meeting Logan’s eyes. Logan sighed, looking at the floor guiltily. Why did he feel guilty? He had a psychology degree - he knew what mental illness was. He knew this wasn’t his fault.

“Inconsequential,” he mumbled softly. 

“Vee, did you know about this?” Ethan suddenly spoke up and Logan’s heart seemed to skip a beat. Ah, the’s right. It had been… years ago the last time he and Virgil spoke about this. And so much had happened since then, they’d never readdressed it.

“Not quite.” Virgil chuckled softly. “We’re not great at communicating, as you both know.”

“We’re getting better!” Roman protested. Logan smiled slightly, squeezing his hand.

“When Logan and I first met…” Virgil hesitated and looked at Logan. Logan shrugged. He felt numb, still, and it was infuriating. “Well, he nearly did something he’d have regretted.”

“I wasn’t going to do it,” Logan muttered, though even now he doubted that fact. 

“Oh god, Lo.” Roman buried him in a hug, sniffling. “I’m sorry.”

“By ‘it’ you…” Ethan shifted uncertainly. “You mean…”

“I contemplated ending my life.” Logan murmured, pulling away from them and leaning forward, elbows on his knees. “Something I’m certainly glad I didn’t do, and I had no real intention to do at the time, at least not once I alerted Virgil to the situation.”

“So, wh-wait.” Roman waved his hands. “For years, you guys just didn’t talk about it? Wh-what… why the hell wasn’t this addressed? Why has it never come up? I don’t…”

Logan winced guiltily at the conflict on Roman’s face. Of course, one reason he’d always hesitated to bring it up recently was Roman’s history with the topic of suicide. He was still working through the loss of his brother, years ago. 

“I… I don’t know.” Virgil sighed. “At first, when we were still in college, we talked about it a lot. All things mental health. Logan was a psych major, so maybe that was why? At some point we just… stopped communicating.”

“So how long had you not talked about it when I first met you?” Roman asked, eyes darting between them. He was most likely overthinking everything he’d ever done, which Logan understood. But he hated the pain he was causing his boyfriends.

“Ah, geez,” Virgil sighed. Logan mentally tracked the time back, wondering if there had been anything to cause them to stop talking.

When he connected the timelines, his heart sank.

“A few years.” He hummed.

“Wh- wait, really? That… no way.” Virgil scowled, counting on his fingers.

“It was just after we started dating... him.” Logan murmured, staring at the ground. He didn’t have to say the name for the room to fall silent in understanding. 

“You’ve got to be… what’d he do?” Ethan stood up, turning to face the three of them. “I… I’m gonna fucking murder-”

“Ethan.” Roman reached out a hand and Ethan took it, running the other down his face with a sigh. 

“He never physically injured me,” Logan glanced anxiously to the side and Virgil shook his head.

“Same here.”

“Probably cuz he got what he wanted from you,” Roman mumbled bitterly. “He didn’t have to.”

Logan’s heart sank as he realized Roman was absolutely correct. While Virgil was on the asexual spectrum, he was in no way averse to it in the way Roman was. The idea of what may have happened if that wasn’t the case made him feel sick to his stomach.

“Goddamnit.” Virgil punched the mattress lightly. “He put a wall between us as he did with Roman, and we didn’t freaking notice. What the hell?”

“It’s how manipulation works.” Logan sighed. “A lack of communication between us would make it easier for him to have his hands in our individual lives no matter what happened.”

“So glad he’s in prison.” Ethan hissed, sitting back down next to Roman, arms crossed unhappily. 

“S-so, wait…” Virgil cleared his throat anxiously and Logan looked at him, knowing the tears were on their way. “He… he manipulated us and emotionally isolated us for years, or something? And… holy fuck.” Logan wrapped Virgil in a gentle hug as he started to sob. What could possibly be going through his head to make him react this… extremely? It worried him, and the guilt of not being the strong put together one dug into Logan’s heart. 

Like it had since he’d understood what it meant to live up to expectations.

* * *

Logan couldn't sleep. He hadn’t been able to sleep well for ages, but tonight it was especially difficult. Virgil had eventually cried himself to sleep, their conversation ending quickly after that. Ethan was, for once, holding Virgil instead of leaving his side of the bed open. Logan was glad - because he wasn’t sure he’d be able to hold Virgil together this time.

Roman had been on his bed in the room until a few minutes ago when he crept out while Logan pretended to sleep. Now, Logan could hear him outside. Singing to his garden. In the middle of the night.

Logan gingerly stood, careful not to disturb Ethan or Virgil, and made his way out to the back patio doors. Roman was pacing among the garden boxes, no longer singing, but moving his hands in such a way that Logan knew he was talking to himself. 

After a moment, Roman looked up and met Logan’s eyes, feet halting on the grass.

Logan sighed, pulling the door open and stepping out, swiftly joining him in the garden.

“Roman, it’s one in the morning,” he said softly.

“You’re awake, too.” Roman turned away, staring down at a pumpkin vine. Logan didn’t know what to say - especially when Roman’s shoulders started to shake with sobs. “I-I’m sorry, Logan, I-”

“Wh- why are you apologizing?” Logan asked worriedly, holding out his hands as Roman turned around. Roman accepted the embrace, burying his face in Logan’s chest.

“I-I… how… how could I not notice?” He choked out. “First… first Remus, and… and what if…”

“Roman, love,” Logan shook his head. “I was never going to… I’d never actually intended to follow through with any of those thoughts.”

“Wh- so?” Roman held him tighter. “It takes one second, Logan. One second where you feel like I don’t care about you… and then it’s over. He had a scholarship. He was ready… and… and…”

“I know.” Logan sighed, shoulders falling as Roman dissolved into ugly sobs again. “I’m sorry, Roman.”

“No!” Roman pulled away, glaring furiously up at him and wiping tears from his face. “You- neither of us is allowed to apologize anymore! You aren’t a failure and you aren’t a disappointment, okay?”

“Roman-”

“Okay!?”

“Okay.” Logan agreed, and Roman rubbed his eyes again, taking a few shuddering breaths.

“W- you… we’re gonna be fine,” he said firmly. “We’re gonna call Remy and he’s gonna bring Starbucks, and… we’re gonna talk and you’re gonna see a therapist-”

“Wh- hey, wait.” Logan held up his hands, mind racing. “I don’t-”

“You said you felt inconsequential!” Roman snapped. Logan winced. “I know big words, alright? I don’t want you to feel like you don’t matter, or like you’re not good enough, or like you’re a screwup…”

“Alright.” Logan relented, looking up at the sky. It was cloudy. Probably going to rain. He knew Roman was right. 

“And also I think… a group session with Picani.” Roman said, still hiccoughing slightly from the crying. “He does relationship counseling too, and…”

“That’s a good idea.” Logan smiled gently, holding out a hand. Roman accepted it, slowly walking back to the house with him as thunder rumbled in the distance. “I love you, Roman.”

“I love you too,” Roman muttered, still slightly angrily. “Don't keep secrets anymore. We promised.”

“Alright,” Logan said, fully intending to keep the promise this time. “No more secrets.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tada! That's the end of this one!
> 
> Now, I obviously could have dragged this conflict on for another sixteen (or more) chapters to make it the same length as the last two, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to do that. Mental health isn't something you can fix and keep sustained without a lot of work - as seen in like this entire series. I want to write some parts with them exploring their trauma and mental health more, perhaps in the group session with Picani, but it will be in a different book with alternating POVs (like Luck and Wonder was)
> 
> I'm also working on a one-shot idea from Patton's POV... so keep an eye out for that if you want to read it. 
> 
> Thanks again for liking my writing! It means a lot! ^-^
> 
> Love you all,
> 
> -Coby

**Author's Note:**

> So that's chapter one! I know you must be wondering how I'm gonna clean up this mess in three chapters, but you'll just haveta see what happens!
> 
> Love you all,
> 
> -Coby


End file.
